Monday, January 28, 2008

So there's that.

Today was an odd sort of day. I accidentally figured out how Jordan *really* feels about me and why he ended things so abruptly. This is NOT something I wanted to know. I got what I deserved and regret it.

I need to stop procrastinating.

An idle mind is a devil's workshop.

At the same time, I was grateful for a real explanation finally.

He was mad at me, though. Still is, I guess. He doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong.

I don't know...to ME it seems wrong to tell your girlfriend you love her, talk her out of ending things when she starts to get bad feelings, let her believe you want things to work out, abruptly end things when she least expects it...all while in love with another girl. A girl you swore you didn't have *those* kinds of feelings for...

But what do I know?

I know I would not like myself if I did that to somebody.

I know I'd feel like I did something wrong.

When Jordan told me he didn't want to see me anymore (online, 4 hours after spending the night and next afternoon with me, sleeping with me, and telling me he loved me...), I told him I hated him.

I don't want to hate anybody, I don't hate him in general - I never could...but at that moment, yes, I despised him.

He made sure his audience knew THAT...but forgot to mention all the kind, sweet, loving things I did...and all the pressure he put on me, all the times he made me feel guilty and inadequate, all the times he was selfish and self-involved.

I'm not perfect. Not even close.

But I'm not an awful, hateful, angry, hurtful person. I know that.

From his perspective, I'm "relentlessly" spewing hatred at him.

I almost wish I *could* do that. It sounds kinda therapeutic.

Instead, I hurt, he feels nothing (or nothing he cares to share with me and only seems to pop up when convenient.) I feel guilty, he makes me sound pathetic. I find out something that kills me inside, he is angry that I invaded his privacy.

I repeatedly tried to tell him that I wanted him OUT of my life, I wanted to forget him, I was de-Jordaning my life...EVERY time he told me not to say that, it hurt him, he didn't want that...So I stayed.

I set myself up to be hurt and I was.

I told him I hate myself for that, but that hurts him too. Another thing I am not allowed to say.

(But there are no rules!)

In retrospect, I think he wanted me to fit a very strange mold. Care about him - but not too much! Have my own life - but don't let it interfere with his! Say and do all the right things - but there are no rules!

Maddening.

I would have continued to try because that's what I do, but I would have failed and failed and failed.

I can't say I don't care about him, but he said some really hurtful things. Granted, they were not meant for me to read...but if that's how he felt, he could have told me. A hurtful explanation is better than no explanation.

He (in his exasperated way) assured me that he DID genuinely care about me and respected me...

But what difference does it make?

I don't feel as upset by all of this as you might imagine. This is closure. I really am anxious to move on.

He hurt me in so many ways. He's smart enough to know what he was doing. He always made me feel like I wasn't good enough (until I tried to leave). He didn't get me a birthday present. He is messed up and defensive and closed off to letting anybody in. Nothing I ever did was right.

I'm not happy...but this truly is a move in the right direction. I have a sense of relief.

He's not a good person, not somebody I need in my life, nobody I would benefit from having as a friend.

I feel terrible for saying that - he's just not a good person for ME, I don't need him in MY life, I don't doubt that lots of people DO benefit from his friendship.

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