Thursday, January 3, 2008

Wading in a velvet sea...

So.

Who would've thought 45 short days could produce so much pain?

Jordan and I broke up. I guess it was kind of a mutual decision, overall, but the ultimate decision was his.

It IS for the best.

I think.

Sometimes I believe that. Jordan believes it. I am trying to be brave and stoic like he is, but our grieving styles are obviously very different. I worry that I am annoying him and that he will end up hating me...

I want us to be friends so I'm trying to let him do his thing and focus on doing mine...and mostly I think I'm doing OK. I'm keeping busy as much as I can and I keep my mind occupied, but then something will remind me of him and no matter how hard I try to distract myself, I just want to cry.

HE'S not crying...why am I???

It's not fair.

I call and text him too much. I don't mean to. I just want to be reassured that he exists, that he still cares about me, that I had an impact on his life. I shouldn't need that - and in time, I won't...but it's really hard right now.

We hardly knew each other. There are a gazillion things we never did and a handful of things we did that a normal couple wouldn't do until they'd been together a year...

Maybe we were destined for failure?

I hope not.

I loved the time we spent together, the way he made me feel, the excitement of it all...

Why can't we just start over???

Why can't I have a second chance???

There was so much stress, tension, confusion...I had so few opportunities to be ME. I was always trying to impress SOMEBODY or make sure I was doing the "right" thing.

I was trying my best to get through the holidays with my dysfunctional family, I was struggling to meet deadlines at work, I was being pulled in 65 different directions...I wanted to do everything and I wanted to do it perfectly and make everybody happy.

I wanted to be happy too.

I was happy...Jordan was an amazing boyfriend. I was so lucky. I AM lucky.

If all the other crud was not in the way, could I have shown that better?

Maybe I shouldn't blame December...but I FREAKING HATE THIS MONTH. There should be a law against new relationships starting in November and December.

Am I just making excuses? Is it just as simple as we aren't meant to be together? No matter what the circumstances had been, that would be the truth and thinking about what-if's is pointless???

If so, I'm very happy to have a month and a half worth of pain to deal with and not a year and a half.

Ugh.

I don't know what to say, think, or feel anymore.

Overwhelmed.

What is keeping us from being "soul mates"? (Jordan hates putting punctuation inside his quotation marks.) What is missing? Why can't we be together?

I felt smothered, I felt like I was being judged, I was on edge and defensive, I missed my freedom, I never felt like I had time...

But even when that annoyed me...I loved being with him.

How many people can a person meet in their lifetime that seems so perfect?

Does the "perfect" person come with all the nice feelings and none of the annoying ones? if I'd had time to actually ADJUST to our relationship, would it have gone differently? Does it matter?

I know it will stop hurting, I know I will move on, I know my friends and family love me, I know I shouldn't regret anything...

But, right now, today...it hurts like crud.

And I don't know that there's anything to do about that.

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