Friday, February 8, 2008

Everything and Nothing

Lots on my mind, but I'm not sure I have much to say.

It's been a superficially decent week - a lot of the people I love
most at work have been around, I've had fun outside of work, I've been
productive enough.

The big news of the week is my new found wealth. I got a VERY
significant raise and a decent year-end bonus at work and my tax
rebate will be quite nice as well.

Good thing because I. Am. Broke.

It's my own fault, to some extent - I LIKE buying stuff! Stuff I
don't need, stuff I think I need, stuff I pretend to need...and once
in a while, the stuff I really do need.

The extra money will make life easier.

I feel like I'm mostly over Jordan. Sometimes I'll get a pang of
sadness and miss him a lot out of no where or for no good reason, but
mostly I don't think about him *like that.* We hung out on Tuesday
and it was fine...I text/call him (often while under the influence),
sometimes he replies...It's fine.

Hanging out with Jim has helped.

I feel lonely and I hate seeing Valentine's crud everywhere, but
that's a general feeling of emptiness - not a Jordan-shaped hole. I
miss his company and our closeness, but it wasn't anything special
that I'm afraid I'll never have again.

He still brings up little arguments we had, things I said, times I
made him upset...

I'm not sure why. He knows I feel bad, he knows I'm sorry...

I never even knew him well enough to realize I might possibly offend
him most of the time.

Why keep replaying that kind of stuff? He doesn't need or want me to
apologize, I obviously can't undo the past, our relationship is
o-v-e-r...Whatever, though - he has the right to think and do whatever
he wants - I don't have to understand it.

I'd prefer it if he spent more time thinking about all the things I
did RIGHT....

But, I never even knew him well enough to realize what was right and
what was wrong most of the time.

I hope he finds a girl who fits the mold in his mind AND makes him
genuinely happy. And who his friends and family approve of...

Anyway, enough about that. He's a sweet, smart, charming guy - he'll be fine.

No real plans for the weekend yet. That's fine with me - I've been
very tired and will appreciate some time just to be home.

I want to go to New Zealand and road trip with Scottish Stu...The
extra income makes it seem far more possible...A vacation would be
fan-tas-tic.

Especially with a cute Scottish boy...

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