Saturday, December 13, 2008

I love my chats with Albert

I was just thinking about how much I love "chatting" with Albert.

...I feel lame saying "chat" but I guess that's what it is, being online and via IM...

I can't seem to find the right words to explain why I love our virtual conversations so much...I'll let you try and figure it out with some randomly chosen - and somewhat edited - samples:

12/7/08 - - - - -
Albert: last question regarding 28 yr old girl-woman. What would you prefer for 2nd date setup- phone call, text, or email?
me: i prefer email
my phone just annoys me
but that's me
i think it is personal preference
Albert: alright
9:26 PM ummm, I'll just call her tomorrow evening
me: if she says "no", just remind yourself that you are in the bay area and she is most likely a lesbian
9:27 PM Albert: word
rugmunching bulldyke >: (
me: right

- - - - -
me: anyway
i have no idea what a "date" is anymore
8:12 PM same with "messing around" and "hooking up"
Albert: I think the problem is that people want to shirk any self accountability
8:13 PM me: hmmm
Albert: if they never went on a date, then they can escape without complication?
me: true...
Albert: bastards!
me: but it gets so messy
people cannot read minds
8:14 PM Albert: and then they will argue with you about how you should've been able to tell and this is a sign you should not see each other (even though they say you were never seeing each other). These are the signs of selfish people who need to work some shit out. I'm all angry, haha
Albert: why do you like the new boy?
also, I can't explain why, but I love this picture:
me: every time i think i have him figured out, i find out something new about him that totally surprises me
Albert: ah
being a puzzle of sorts is attractive, no?
8:22 PM me: he makes me feel more normal
i like that patient bear
not "more normal" in the normal vs crazy sense
8:23 PM more normal in the "where do I fit in this crazy world where everybody else seems to fit an easily defined mold" sense
8:24 PM Albert: ah
I like that
I want more of that
I need to meet a skinny asian girl who speaks english, has a degree in something traditional, and then does something she loves that is not so traditional
Albert: if you get a good asian boy, they learn fast, and get better at anything they do. ANYTHING
me: heh
does the kind of asian matter?
8:28 PM Albert: mmmm, not exactly. It's just how they've dealt with life. If you get a good one, they've gone through the wringer of standardized tests and such and so: they are very good at ingesting information and learning and adapting
8:29 PM you need one that's gone through the wringer of growing up with asian parents and come out ok the other side though
you don't want one that's been crushed by their folks, or that was not under a strict parental law growing up
Albert: haha
could be
now where the hell am I going to find the kind of girl I described?
8:31 PM me: a coffee shop?
are coffee shops still hip?
Albert: I have no idea
I have been in a few and it's mostly students :(
8:32 PM I don't care to hear about "papers due" and "assignments" and people being stressed over stuff that does not involve them making money
me: yep
Albert: it's so silly!
me: ...
there's definitely a level of maturity they cannot even imagine
ah, to be young again...
8:34 PM Albert: haha
for real though- just having to pay for your life, no matter how hard or easy, for one year and that's it- no papers or whatever- it's really a mindset that's important
me: agreed
Albert: even if someone's working and going to school at the same time, I feel like school is still a safety net
8:35 PM not having yet faced "this is my life. Nothing else"
me: life without the structure provided by school is so totally different
Albert: ah that too
me: i definitely agree w/ the idea of school as a safety net
Albert: just a mental safety net even, but on so many levels
8:36 PM of routine, of maybe a few years of your future life
me: school is EASY - in the sense that it's defined, you know the rules, you follow them, you get judged accordingly
8:37 PM there's a beginning, middle, and end; somebody is in charge; you have deadlines and schedules structuring your existence
Albert: I hear ya
8:38 PM me: the real world....not so much
Albert: I wonder what people feel when they're faced with their lives for, really, the first time in their adult lives
8:39 PM also, I heard people get divorced quite a bit after 7 years of marriage, because that's the point when it really sinks in "this is the rest of my life"
8:40 PM me: 7 year itch
Albert: pretty crazy
how could anyone see that coming?...
me: i've lost interest in hooking up...
it's not fear of diseases or pregnancy or trying to be a "good girl" or anything....
it just doesn't seem worth the hassle
Albert: haha
8:47 PM me: sex v. 1.0 sucks
it's like the beta version
Albert: haha
me: too many bugs to work out
Albert: we need the 1.12 patch?
8:48 PM this conversation just got entirely too nerdy
me: i'd rather just wait till 2.0 is released
it would be hip if you had a mac
8:49 PM Albert: there is no laptop more inducing of jealousy than a macbook pro
though even the normal macbooks look awesome now
I was not so much a fan of the white plastic macbook
me: ohhhhh
i dream about the new macbook pro....
Albert: hehe
what mac do you have again?
me: macbook
Albert: boooo
me: and imac
Albert: a white macbook?
me: yes
Albert: I want to tell people "look, you only like your white macbook because you're white. It's so obvious!"
me: AND because the black ones cost $200 more for no good reason!
Albert: I think there's a slight processor upgrade?
me: perhaps
Albert: not really worth it though
me: i don't like that my white is yellowish
8:51 PM Albert: oh dear
me: fingerprints and all that
Albert: I'm going to just go ahead and assume you're all greasy and maybe smell like bacon
me: i'm a messy girl
Albert: baconsweat
me: and eggs
me: i've embraced my me-ness
8:58 PM we're growing up, Albert, old sport
Albert: paragons of health
me: and emotional well-being
8:59 PM Albert: well, I should eat and work, so I hope you have a good evening
me: you as well
cheers, mate

9/29/08 - - - - -
8:07 PM Albert: Ms. Gustafson
I am about to consume garlic fries and a mushroom cheeseburger
8:08 PM me: i hope you enjoy it
Albert: for the good of america, I will
me: you are a true freedom-fighter
8:09 PM Albert: I have declared that it is patriotic to be brand conscious and conversely, decidedly unpatriotic (treasonous) to be brand ignorant
me: obviously
american = capitalist
8:10 PM Albert: i will be indisposed now - hands are full of burger
me: understandable
good day
Albert: /tips hat

9/22/08 - - - - -
9:05 PM me: so, how's your love life?
any new developments?
9:06 PM Albert: alas, no. It's frustrating. You'd think just by pure numbers you'd hit chemistry by now
me: you'd think....
love defies logic
Albert: I think we're at the dozen mark since this rapid dating scheme started
9:07 PM me: wow
sounds exhausting
Albert: it is
expensive too!
it's not just meeting people, but meeting NEW people and having to be charming and witty and such
over and over and over
9:09 PM me: i bet
at least i get free meals out of it
Albert: it's a lot tougher on the dude's part
me: i don't envy you at all
girls make no sense
Albert: and cursed people all want things handed to them, so they're not trained to be engaging in conversation!
9:10 PM I thought only boys were socially retarded
9:11 PM me: i hate awkwardness so i at least do my part to avoid that
9:12 PM except sometimes i think i talk too much
to avoid the awkward silence
Albert: people really should be trained to handle interacting with others. We need basic conversation etiquette classes reinstated
"finishing school"
me: definitely
9:13 PM i'd feel so much more comfortable if i knew the rules
and there totally ARE rules
Albert: totally
and generally you have to fuck up a lot to learn them
me: and then you meet somebody else and suddenly the rules are all different anyway
9:14 PM Albert: this is much more complicated than we signed up for
can't we just slick our hair back and have unhappy marriages and mistresses and such?
me: everybody else does it
9:15 PM hummmm
did you get your comic books back from the girl who doesn't answer her phone?
Albert: not yet
I wonder if I'll get them back...
it may be months anyway!
9:16 PM me: i love sharing the things i love....but i hate losing them
Albert: yarrrrrr
I have a theory
9:17 PM the girl I will like next (or forever!) will be the one to show me a song/band they love that I'll totally love. I'm sorry to say, but usually girls like some bullshit music with dudes with acoustic guitars and slightly raspy voices and no soul damn it
me: heh
Albert: haha, you know what I'm talking about!
9:18 PM me: i wish I had a theory
Albert: like, THE SIGN that you'll know when a boy is right?
me: yeah
9:19 PM i don't know....
9:20 PM i can't even tell what's an official date anymore
Albert: that's the worst
I hated that
the upside of internet dating is that there's no question
me: very true
Albert: because, really, if two single attractive people are out doing things, it's totally a date
me: you think?
9:21 PM Albert: generally yes
me: it seems like that should be true
Albert: if it isn't, then someone there is psycho and you probably don't want to date them anyway
me: long do you do THAT for
9:22 PM like, just hang out?
if you don't determine it IS dating, you fall into the friend zone
so then, was it really dating after all?
Albert: I know! Friend zone sucks
but there's always the awkward chance you'll fuck it all up anyway
I tell you, we need rules and contracts
9:23 PM "the undersigned agree to be in a relationship as defined below for no less than 6 months at which time renegotiation will be possible"
9:24 PM me: with bad habits, routines, and general facts noted in advance
Albert: right
9:25 PM my friend Jenna says that phase 3 of a relationship involves realizing that the things that were cute about your partner (habits) at the beginning of the relationship are now annoying, and that's not changing, and that's ok
me: heh
what are the other phases?
Albert: uhhhh
9:26 PM gosh, I don't remember. I think it starts off with "honeymoon phase" which comes and goes
interesting points- you'll know you're in it for the long run when you are willing to change
also, a man can only be made by a woman
me: humm
9:27 PM interesting....
Albert: her and my friend kevin did just get legally married
and they went through a shiiiiiiitstorm during the previous 3 years
it is shocking they stayed together, but now they really know how to stay together
and know each other
at one point, they were BOTH physically abusive!
9:28 PM me: oooh
9:29 PM Albert: also, when they knew they loved each other but also fought nonstop, they went to a relationship counselor, which has even more stigma than a psychologist it seems
but he fixes them when they need it
me: my friend Amber is in grad school to be a relationship/marriage counselor
Albert: I think it's very healthy
we're all crazy and limited, so we need help sometimes
9:30 PM if I don't have the tools to deal with something, then I would like someone to help me until I do have the tools
me: yeah - i think a 3rd person could add a lot of insight
Albert: for real
and if you're both talking to them at the same time, there's no one sided story
me: right
and you're less likely to fight in front of somebody
9:31 PM how is it that you and I get these things and other people don't seem to....
yet we're the single ones?
Albert: ...
it's time you adopted a family
10:06 PM me: i always offer myself up to nice people at work
Albert: well, time you adopt others instead of them adopting you
go find yourself some orphans
10:07 PM me: i would like a nice boy to start a new...thing with
i have my dog
he and i do our thing
well...he mostly acts like a dog...but he's nice to have around
Albert: yes ma'am
10:08 PM I am looking after my sister's dog currently
he is up here quite a bit of late
me: it's nice knowing something needs you
and that it loves you and forgives you no matter what
10:10 PM Albert: there is also the poop factor on the other hand
me: well
Bailey does that outside
and can't go standing still
10:11 PM so his little poops don't matter much
if he has a lot to poo, it takes like a dozen laps across the yard
i couldn't find that and pick it up even if i wanted to
10:12 PM a boyfriend who didn't poo all over would be nice

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