Saturday, May 2, 2009

So. This is life.

Well. Here I am.

It's funny how everything just goes on as though I never had a dad, as though he never died, as though I never hurt so freaking much.

I'm ok, though.

I really am.

I don't quite understand how...

I think I should be a mess, but I'm not.

It's not because I don't miss him.

I miss him so much. Every. Single. Day.

I miss him.

I'm strong.

I don't know how, but I am strong.

Some days are harder than others. Nights tend to be harder than the days. I get through them both, though.

Sometimes I want to kick and scream and yell and cry till my daddy comes back and makes it all better.

But I am strong.

Sometimes at night, I hold the stuffed bunny he held in one hand while he held mine in the other as he died and wish I could feel something.

Something spiritual.

Something deep.

Something meaningful.

I just feel empty and alone and sad and scared.

But I'm ok.

Somehow, I am ok.

There's nothing that can make this easier; nobody who can help. It is what it is.

Yet, I'm so grateful that I'm not alone.

It doesn't matter if anybody understands. I don't want them to. In fact, I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

It only matters that I'm not alone.

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