Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pillows are Creeps

Since nobody I work with ever notices or appreciates my clever shirts, I'm going to take advice my buddy Mike gave me a while ago and post a picture here (well, he actually suggested Facebook, but my blog is linked to my Facebook page so it'll eventually show up there.)

From my beloved shirt.woot! -


Thursday, November 25, 2010

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

While I do question the basic premise and traditions of the holiday, I'm not morally or politically opposed to it in any way.  I like to eat - turkey that's not dry, mashed potatoes without lumps, and stuffing from a box are among my favorite foods.  A reason to spend time with the people you love and/or are related to is good.  I always appreciate a day off work, especially one so dedicated to laziness. 

I used to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Growing up, I watched Charlie Brown and the Macy's parade on TV while working on my entry for the Star Tribune's "Oh, You Turkey!" coloring contest.  I was dragged to awkward family meals where I learned that 2 minutes in football time translates to hours of boredom.  I've created innumerable hand-shaped turkeys and even a few construction paper cornucopias.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in 2008.  I almost didn't - I'd reluctantly agreed to go with my dad to meet my grandparents for a casino buffet.  When the day came, though, I slept in and didn't answer his calls.  I expected the familiar voice mail message - "Amy...it's Dad.  Why don't you ever answer your phone?" - but instead he showed up at my house.  In less than 5 minutes, I was dressed and we were on the road.

I remember the drive in a dream-like way...I remember appreciating the way he and I could be together without having to talk...I remember writing in my journal at the casino bar watching my dad gamble...I remember him saying that he actually felt GOOD...I remember telling my grandparents not to worry about him...I remember sleeping on our drive home...

Mostly, I remember thinking that my dad was going to be ok.

I'm eternally thankful for that day and those memories.

I look forward to making new Thanksgiving memories someday.  I know I can do that without forgetting my dad or degrading my memories of him - and I know it's what he'd want.

But, for now...I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Au Naturale.

I <3 New Zealand!

I posted a video filmed and narrated by Bill Morrison, starring Scottish Stu and yours truly, to YouTube this afternoon (it is here if you don't see it HERE). 

It's totally random and pretty much pointless so if you have something super important or interesting to do for 59 seconds, I definitely recommend you do that instead...

Monday, November 1, 2010

In Loving Memory

I finally went to my dad’s grave this weekend – the first time I’ve been to the cemetery since we buried his ashes. I didn’t really plan to go, but it was a nice day and there it was and there I was…

It probably seems like I’ve been avoiding it. Maybe I have to some extent, but is anybody really EXCITED to go to a cemetery? And their father’s grave? I doubt it.

Cemetery
And really, what was I supposed to gain by going? My dad didn’t like cemeteries any more than I do and I obviously don’t have fond memories of the many, wonderful hours he and I spent together among dead people. In terms of closure, I’m pretty sure holding him as he died was plenty of clarification that he was gone – and putting his remains into the ground solidified the fact that he wouldn’t be coming back.

I wanted to go, though. While the cemetery doesn’t seem to house much of his spirit, the surrounding area – the Camden area of North Minneapolis – definitely does. It’s where we all grew up, more or less. Lots of memories…

RIP, Dad...So, I went. I assumed I’d know exactly where he was – how could I forget that cloudy morning in July with my family, my grampa and uncle, and so many of our friends when I left him there? What kind of daughter would that make me? How would I ever be able to live with myself???!!!

Yeah, well, it’s a cemetery. Needless to say, flat plots of ground don’t make especially good landmarks so, after a few laps, I finally just called my mom. (For the record, I was pretty close.)

His marker is nice and there were some flowers and a plaque from my grandma. I didn’t bring anything – I know he’d rather I buy myself a drink and I’m happy to honor his wishes (because I AM a good daughter!) It was weird, I guess…I could not remember where I had stood or what I saw the last time I was there at all. I didn’t have much of a reaction – it was sad, of course, but it was much harder going to the State Fair and it always sucks when I find an amazing burger that I can’t tell him about.

I didn’t cry.

RIP, Dad…


Friday, October 22, 2010

Another Friday Fill-In!

1. One of my strongest beliefs is Naps Are Productive (NAP!).

2. My co-worker told me my iPod is huge!

3. The sky is cloudy with a threat of rain and wind and cold, so that makes me happy!

4. Bad TV is comforting to me.

5. I always thought I'd be in a much different place when I was almost 30...

6. I finally escaped work and then I went outside to look at the full moon. (Lame, I know...but I couldn't think of anything else and I hate that it's dark when I leave work!)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with Amber, Derek, and John, tomorrow my plans include Amy T(almost Z)'s wedding!, and Sunday, I want to see Gramma and finish knitting my hat!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A Good Enough Place to Start

I haven’t felt the urge to blog lately…or document my life at all, really. I used to journal in some form nearly every day – I’m not sure where my motivation went.

Actually, I seem to have stopped doing a lot of things: reading books, writing, taking/editing/printing pictures, going to Target, talking on the phone, painting, travelling, reading blogs, laundry…

Some of those things have been replaced – I read more magazines instead of books, I knit instead of paint…Not very many.

I’m not really sure where my time goes, my energy, my drive…

Working again obviously plays a big part. I have a very annoying commute that wastes at least 2 hours of my day. Since there’s not much around here or a break room, I don’t take a lunch break. After staring at work stuff on my computer all day, I’m not especially excited to edit photos or keep up on blogs or anything like that.

My essentially non-existent social life is also an issue. I haven’t been spending a ton of time with any of my friends or family and haven’t really bonded with any of my co-workers.

I probably sound pretty pathetic and/or depressed. I don’t think I’m either…I do feel very overwhelmed. I think I lost my momentum somewhere in the past couple years. I have so much I have to do, should do, want to do – but as soon as I start thinking of all those things, I get a feeling that is all too familiar to me, a feeling I’ve always struggled with:

I feel like I’m falling down a hole – like a ravine or a canyon. Every so often, I am able to find my footing or get a good grasp on a branch. I make a little progress, feel a little more hopeful, get stronger and more confident.

Eventually, though, the branch breaks or the ground crumbles and I start to slip again. Sometimes I just trip a little – I find something to hold on to, to support me, and I regain my balance and move on. Other times, I go tumbling down with everything I try to catch slipping out of reach or collapsing along with me, adding to the pain I feel when I finally get to steady ground.

Beaten and exhausted, I want to give up. I want to sleep until I forget; or, wake up and realize it was all a dream. I want a rescue team to swoop in and save me. I want to learn to be ok with where I am, to just settle for what I have. I wallow in self-pity and allow it to paralyze me.

Inevitably, I do wake up and accept that there is no rescue team. I have to admit that I hate being stuck. I hate settling. I know I don’t want to be at the bottom, always looking up – and what’s worse is that I know I don’t have to be. I realize I hate myself.

But where do I start? Despite what the Von Trapp family may have lead us to believe, “the very beginning,” while definitely a very good place to start, is not always clear. So, I think, I make plans, I write lists, I assure myself I’ll figure it all out tomorrow…

And that brings me to today, I guess. I don’t feel like this is a very good ending and I think I should say something literal and positive, but if I don’t post this now, I’ll have one more thing to add to my never ending lists – and I promised Other Amy an update – so just know that I still exist and will try to have a more exciting life to blog about.

Cheers!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Another Friday Fill-In!

1. My favorite month is June because I hate being cold.

2. My allergies don't always appreciate a fresh breeze.

3. I love to sniff cherry-almond scented things.

4. French toast sticks is what I like to have as a treat for breakfast.

5. The hobby I enjoy most is knitting

6. Ummmm... oh my!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to continuing to enjoy my 4-day weekend, tomorrow my plans include the cemetery and Sunday, I want to work on getting my house in order!
 

Friday, October 1, 2010

Friday Fill-In!!!

1. My back often hurts in the morning.

2. I wrote my senior paper on Oscar wild.  (Well, Oscar WildE...)

3. Leaves are falling all around, leaves are falling on the ground.

4. Exhaustion and/or boredom tend to lead me to forgetfulness.

5. Healing is painful

6. Too much work! is what I've been up to lately!

From Friday Fill-Ins!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to leaving work, tomorrow my plans include knitting and Sunday, I want to do more knitting!

From Friday Fill-Ins!

Monday, September 20, 2010

how i spent 3 hours of my weekend...


I knit a little hat for The Mutt!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

Friday, September 17, 2010

On this day in history, 2005...

From my LiveJournal, exactly 5 years ago:


Date: 2005-09-17 23:57
Subject: Clothes...clothes...clothes!!!!!
Security: Public
Mood:excitedexcited

Mall madness

(didn't there used to be some lame board game called that?) 
I bought all sorts of new clothes for work this weekend.  I get sick of wearing the same khakis, plain t-shirts, cardigan sweaters all the time.  It is beginning to feel like a uniform...Shopping is fun anyway.  I got good deals cause of all the back to school stuff being on sale to make room for winter stuff.  I went to Old Navy, Gap, and American Eagle - my favorite 3!

Cleaning...blech

We're cleaning out the old apartment tomorrow...once and for all!  We're even bring in reinforcements (i.e. my mother).  Hopefully we'll just get it all DONE. 

Cat Condo!
I just ordered the cutest cat house/scratchy post thing for the boys.  Those things are usually unreasonably expensive (wood + carpet does NOT equal $400!), but I found this great site called www.stepsforpets.com and it has them still overpriced, but not nearly as outrageous (mine was $75 with free shipping).  The cats and I are very excited for it to arrive in 3-5 business days.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

My New New Normal and the 101 Things of Amy Jane

My life's in a somewhat transitional sort of place at the moment.  I'm doing my best to embrace my New New Normal

To clarify, the beginning of my New Normal was marked by what I like to refer to as Hurricane Amy.  No need to focus on that now, though - it's all about my New New Normal.

I think the timing is very appropriate.  For much of my life, the year "began" the day after Labor Day - i.e. the first day of school.  This year, the day marked the first day of my new job - a rather serendipitous turn of events.  With that came new responsibilities, routines, plans, goals, clothes...a bit of everything.

So, welcome to my  
New New Normal!!!

*  ~  *  ~  *  ~  *  ~  *  ~  *

Somewhat coincidentally, I recently discovered the Day Zero project.  Check out the web site for details, but basically, you list 101 goals that you want to achieve within 1001 days.  Your list can be public or totally private, there are several ideas and links to inspire you, you can also list "someday" goals, and it's freeeeeee!  I think it will be a fun way to help me focus and get my life back on something resembling a track.  

I finished my list about 5 minutes ago - I have until June 9, 2013 to complete my 101 goals (I actually have 106 goals - figured a little wiggle room would be good.)  I decided to make my list private for now, but my includes things like...
  • Visit my dad's grave.
  • Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years  
  • Host Christmas at my house.
  • Blog everyday for a month.  
  • Install a back splash.
  • Swim in the ocean.  
  • Take a road trip 
  • Pay off my credit card debt
  • Have a good New Year's Eve - and break the New Year's Eve Curse!
  • Renew my passport
Another one of my goals is to inspire at least 5 people to make a list so let me know if you do!

Cheers!
   Amy Jane

Friday, September 3, 2010

Friday Fill-In - 9/3/10

Another Friday Fill-In!

1. Family is nice to have.

2. Sometimes Bailey goes crazy and runs back and forth.

3. I love a good deal.

4. $5 burgers on Wednesdays at Bennigan's makes a good meal.

5. I've got the cruddiest allergies - yuck

6. What the heck?! : wth!!!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the house not being humid and hot; tomorrow my plans include a very mini-road trip to check out my new place of employment and hopefully some yummy Italian food; and Sunday, I want to get something "business professional" to wear for my first day at the new job!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Long time, no blog

I'm a lame blogger lately...

I haven't had much to report. I've been missing my dad a lot lately. Weird, random little things make me think about him. I find myself wishing I could call him to tell him something funny I saw on TV or where I got a really good burger...

I've dreamed about him a few times. Nothing very interesting or sad or anything, though.

I feel lost a lot of the time...I'm kinda direction-less, I guess.

I miss Deonna lots too. Sigh.

So...not much to blog about. I'll try to come up with some less depressing news.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Another Friday Fill-In (Finally!)

 Thanks to Friday Fill-Ins!

1. I'm going to the new Twins stadium on Sunday.

2. I miss being adventure and daring.

3. Perhaps today you can make it a point to be productive!

4. My trips abroad = my true adventurer’s spirit.

5. Compassion is important

6. Eventually, everything tends to work out in the end - no matter how difficult.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to time with The Boyfriend, tomorrow my plans include lots of plans...but probably not much action, and Sunday, I want to eat a hot dog at the baseball game (that's really the only reason I'm all that interested in going)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Kids Tend to Love Me...


Me and Owen
Originally uploaded by {Amy_Jane}
Owen looks a wee bit apprehensive in this picture....but I'm pretty sure he loves me.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I have a funny feeling....

:/

Friday, May 21, 2010

Friday Fill-In...on Friday!

1. My Gramma never fails to make me smile.
2. I'm looking forward to the *Lost* finale!
3. Law and Order: SVU is what I'm listening to right now.
4. Potato salad must have potatoes? in it!
5. N/A was the best thing I ate today.
6. Today was same old, same old.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing John, tomorrow my plans include nothing that I can think of, and Sunday, I want to watch the *Lost* finale!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Tuesday is the new Friday

From Friday Fill-Ins, 4/29/2010 - #174

1. I was feeling hopeful when I woke up today.

2. I wanted a boy to like me after he broke up with me and I left my book at his house so I'd have an excuse to go there again.  And he'd fall in love with me.  Obviously..

3. Why did the price for gas go up 10 cents in less than 3 hours today?

4. My daddy was in my thoughts today.

5. One of my father's favorite sayings was "We'll see....grumble, grumble...rrrrr...".

6. BLAH!!! --I know that feeling!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _____, tomorrow my plans include _____ and Sunday, I want to _____!

I'm skipping the last one again...I really need to remember to do these things on Friday.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Friday Fill-in...on Tuesday...

I just found the Friday Fill-Ins blog!  This is from last Friday - #173:

1. Where are my leftover fishing-themed embellishments (I think there were leftovers...)?

2. If wishes were horses they would smell bad.

3. I'd like to see Men Who Stare at Goats and the iMax version of Alice in Wonderland.

4. When I was a teen, I thought people were dumb.

5. One of my mother's favorite sayings was ...um...I don't know...I don't think she has any....

6. I'd have a hard time doing without my MacBook.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _____, tomorrow my plans include _____ and Sunday, I want to _____!

I'm skipping #7 since it's Tuesday.  

I'm kind of a hermit lately...I've been feeling very introspective and haven't felt like doing much of anything.  Meh.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Maybe a Flicker is Good Enough.

Back in January, I wrote a post about a *spark* that was somewhere inside me.

I don't know anymore...

I believe in the right to wallow.  The right to grieve, even if nobody gets it and it just looks like self-pity.  The right to let time work it's magic.

But, it has been a year.

One year and one day since my dad's funeral.  One year and six days since he died.  One year and nine days since we had the last thing resembling a conversation.

I guess I'm supposed to be moving on.  It's supposed to hurt less.  It's supposed to be easier.

I haven't and it doesn't and it's not.

Have I lost that *spark*?

Do I still have a *flicker* where it once was?

I don't know.

I hope so.

It's been so extremely painful lately.

It's nearly impossible to get motivated to do anything and even when I do, my attention span doesn't last much more than a half hour. 

Maybe I'm just in a funk. 

I sleep a lot - not so much at night, though.

The nights haven't gotten easier.

I've been wondering a lot lately about how my dad felt about leaving me.  Was he scared?  Did he worry I wouldn't be ok?  Did he hold on as long as he could for ME?

I'll never know.

Of course I know that he didn't WANT to die; that he didn't want any more pain; that he was exhausted...

I guess it's selfish for me to hope that he was scared to leave me.  Maybe I think that would prove that he loved me...

Of course I know he did.

But...I hurt so much.

I feel like I didn't just lose him - I lost my whole family.  That's what hurts the most, I think.  The anniversary of my dad's death has certainly gotten me down, but it's also gotten me thinking about lots of other things.

Things have been bad lately.  Not everything, but some really important things.  Things that leave me feeling like an orphan; like the ground is collapsing beneath me; like even though things will work themselves out, it will never, ever be the same...and I don't like that.

I know I'm loved.  I know I'm strong.  I know I'll be ok.

Knowing, believing those things doesn't make life easier.  They don't give me the solace I so desperately want.

I tend to think that I was too preoccupied with being brave and strong to grieve a year ago; that now I have the time - and the distance - to...focus on the grieving process.

And it is a process.  It's not the clean-cut stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - that seem to be the expected, "normal" way of dealing with it...
Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.
I read that here.  I think it sums up what I'm trying to say.

So many people have been wonderfully supportive and I can't begin to describe how much that's meant to me.  I know I'm not alone.  There are people who understand exactly how I feel and others who have no idea, but help just by being there.

Thank you.

I know what I need to do...and I will...One day at a time.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Nothing should be this painful.

My dad's funeral...If you look close, you can see the little stuffed bunny my dad held till he died a year ago today - I sleep with it every night.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

New Pictures on Flickr!

I added some new pictures to Flickr - they start here.  I upload lots of pictures at once, but edit them with Picnik slowly - starting with the most recently uploaded which means you have to go to page 3 or 4 or whatever...

FYI - I do NOT think this is the BEST method, by ANY means, but I haven't installed Aperture yet, editing in iPhoto is kinda limited and annoys me, and going from iPhoto to PhotoShop and back is a pain...

Anyway, you can see some silly pictures of my friends and me from the past couple months as well as some of my little cousin Lydia - she's 7 - learning to knit and a scarf I made for my buddy NicJ!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Hello...world....!

Blogging has not been a priority lately...

Even if you're a creepy stalker who obsessively follows my blog, I promise you're not missing out on much. 

Life is not especially exciting - same old, same old.

I'm working on some random projects...hopefully I'll have something to show for it all soon.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I still exist! I swear!!!





I've been MIA lately (what else is new?)....

I'm working on fixing that.

In the meantime, I added some pictures to Flickr.  Enjoy!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

...and way back when...


Waiting for flowers from Daddy!


Happy Valentine's Day! {now}

 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Thank you!

I write this as I'm crying,

sitting on my basement floor,

at 7:07 AM,

in the middle of a dreary Minnesota winter...

Thank you.

Thank you to everybody who has been nice to me.

Everybody who has taken a few minutes to email, leave a comment, send a text message, call, whatever....

Everybody who has understood -

And everybody who can't understand and knows that...

And everybody who tries...

I guess I get a wee bit over-emotional after a few days without sleep....but I still mean it.

I miss my dad so much and it hurts more than anything could ever hurt and my nose is running and my eyes are swelling and tears are ruining my laptop....

So, thank you.

Sigh....I miss my daddy...

I am missing my dad so much lately...there's no specific reason why I'd be thinking of him in the middle of February....but I can't think of much else.

I wonder where he is...

Is he thinking about me?

Does he miss me?

Can he feel how much I miss him?

Did he know I was there - till the very end?

I have no idea.

I don't even know why it matters...I would've been there either way.  Just like all the Father's Day presents that still had the tags on them 2 or 4 or 10 years later.

My dad and I could be in a car together for 3 hours and say less than a dozen words to each other the whole time, but still have an awesome time. 

I tend to believe THAT's how you know you're close to somebody....

Yet, I can't hear him say he loved me.

I hate that.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

So yeah.

Read my blog or don't...I've realized that's not the point.

It's for ME.

If you like it, if it means something to you, if it entertains you for any amount of time, or whatever, and thus, you read it, AWESOME!

If not....it's not going anywhere.

But it'll be there when I need it.

XOXOX!

- Amy

This is why writing matters.

4 years ago I read this and 4 years ago it meant something and 4 years later, it still does:

I am alone.
Alone here and alone in the world.
Alone in my heart and alone in my mind.
Alone everywhere,
all the time,
for as long as I can remember.
Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People.
Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness.
I am alone in my horror.
Alone in my horror.

I don't want to be alone.
I have never wanted to be alone.
I fucking hate it.
I hate that I have no one to talk to,
I hate that I have no one to call,
I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right.
I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with,
I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams,
I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again.
I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness.
I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming.
I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness lives in a pipe or a bottle.
I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon.
I hate that I will die alone.

I will die alone in my horror.
  
More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone.
More than anything, all I have ever wanted it to feel as if I wasn't alone.
I have tried many times, tried to kill my loneliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right.
We would be together and be close to each other, but no matter how close we were, I still felt alone.
 They felt that loneliness and it made them want to get closer.
When they tried, I either ran or did something to destroy what we felt for each other.
I can run fast when i want to run fast, and I've always been good at destroying things.

 Originally blogged here.

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts...questioning, mostly.

That's what I do best at 4 AM during a random night in February...

I remember...

     1 year ago (2009) - When will my carpet finally be installed?  A boy named Andy...My dad is ok...he promised not to die...he NEVER promises ANYTHING...he WILL be ok.  I'm an *artist*.

     2 years ago (2008) - A boy named Jordan....and am I seriously going to New Zealand?  Seriously?  What if I HATE Scottish Stu?

     3 years ago (2007) - California....Tommy....Willy Mitchell???   Whatever - I have my DREAM job!!!  THIS is what I've always wanted to be!  AND I'm about to buy a HOUSE and a DOG...Woo!

     4 years ago (2006) - A boy named Derek, Cozumel, Tom...?, law school.....

And this, people, is why I blog.

A snapshot of my mind. 

A glimpse of all the seemingly unimportant things going on that come together to make ME.

Proof I exist.

Proof I existed.

Proof I will exist.

Inspiration to believe in that.

It doesn't really matter if you read it or not.  Thanks to SiteMeter, I know you do - about 7 people per day, on average, in fact...but whatever. 

It's my blog and the Internet has unlimited space for me to rant, rave, whine, complain, love, cry - whatever - as much as I want.  Nobody has to read it.  Whether or not you do, it's here.

I exist.

I matter.

I left a mark.

So there!

Friday, January 29, 2010

New stuff and updates on BC7ATE9!

Hello world,

Check out my new-ish blog at www.BC7ATE9.com - I've added some new features and have been posting somewhat regularly.  It's on it's way to becoming a *real blog*!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A *Spark*

About 9 months ago, I  planned my daddy's funeral.

I never, ever thought that was anything I would or could do.

It went well.

My Grampa was so generous.  I kept saying, "No guest book!", "No programs!", "No [anything that cost even MORE money]!"

He insisted on having - and covered the costs of - lots of things.

He was especially adamant about the guest book.  It came with a pen - a really NICE pen.  We HAD to have that pen.

It was a decent pen.

It was so hard....yet the funeral director made it as easy as that sort of thing can possibly be.  It was almost an enjoyable experience...if it wasn't for that whole "death " thing lingering over it all...

When we were done with all the planning, I hugged everybody.  I started hugging when my daddy died - I realized that sometimes there just aren't words and hugging makes everything all better for at least a wee bit...

The funeral director - Steven Houfek - stopped me as we were leaving.

He told me that he saw a *spark* within me.

Something undefinable, something good, something positive, fun, happy, optimistic....something lit from within....

He told me that he hoped that wouldn't go away....that I'd be able to keep that *spark* lit despite everything.  That I'd still have that within me, even when it became hard to see....

Coming from a guy who deals with grieving people every single day - and has what must be the most depressing job on Earth....it meant something.

He looked me in the eye, hands on my shoulders, looked past my facade of braveness, my fear, my anger....whatever.

"You have a spark inside you.  I hope that it doesn't go away as you deal with all this because it is alive and well and beautiful - and it'll keep you strong."

I thanked him.

I thought about it.

I continue to think about it.

Somebody who deals with people in that position for a living must have some insight...

I don't know....

I guess it doesn't matter....

But part of me hopes I DO have a *spark.*  Something special....something unique....something that, ultimately, makes it all ok....something that makes me ME...something that matters just for that reason alone...

I don't know what I really mean to say or what my point is....

I guess I just want something within me - intrinsically part of me - that my dad would be proud of - in his way (which really just means that he wouldn't be disgusted by my display of emotions.)

I hope I still have my *spark.*

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Is it time to wake up....or time to go to bed?


Not quite sure....

Insomnia is NOT:
depression,
a suicidal tendency,
anti-social behavior,
a "cry for help,"
abnormal grieving,
etc.

It is what it is.

As much as I hate that expression,
it really does fit my state of mind.

I have pretty much finished knitting THREE scarves today! 
Go Amy!

...and that's life here in my funny little world.

Cheers!


Monday, January 11, 2010

Yep

I just can't find the time

To write my mind

The way I want it to read


Sunday, January 10, 2010

Life is sketchy at the moment.


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Sometimes, day turns into night and then it is day again.

Those are not my favorite nights.


This, however, is my favorite pirate -

Is there anybody who grew up in the 80's who didn't want Punky's treehouse?




Punky Brewster was definitely one of the best things to come out of the 80's.  Not only did she have that pizza place with the fire pole, but she had The.  Most.  Amazing.  Treehouse.  Ever.

I'm still jealous....but I think THIS might just fulfill ALL my treehouse needs.

I'd be perfectly happy with this one...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Meet my new blog...

I decided to create a 2nd blog.  I'll still have this one for all my ramblings about my crazy life and the new one will focus on the crafty, creative, artsy, and imaginative part of myself

You can find it at www.bc7ate9.com for now.  Eventually I hope to make an actual site, but I haven't built a web site in....a very long time so it's pointing to the blogger site till I get around to doing that. 

So, welcome to the world BC7ATE9!

Friday, January 1, 2010

2009

I did this in 2007 and 2008 - sounds like a a tradition....

1. Who was your first kiss of 2009?
  • I think it was Andy?
2. Who do you think will be your last kiss of 2009?
  • It was John.
3. What was your best vacation/trip in 2009?4. Who was your best friend through out the whole 2009?
  • Deonna and Sarah and Rodia and Amber
5. How many times did you move this year?
  • I moved into the hospital to be with my dad, but that was just temporary.
6. Did you make any new friends in the year 2009?
  • A few - Deonna's neighbors, Paul...I mostly reconnected with several awesome people I'd been missing (Sarah, Deonna, Nick, Lisa, Geno, Amanda, Jessica, John...)
7. How many different people did you kiss in the year 2008?
  • Ummm....5?
8. Were you single or taken most of 2009?
  • It was a weird year.
9. Did you lose any friends in the year 2009?
  • Probably. A few relatives as well....
10. Favorite tv show of 2008?
  • Law and Order: SVU, anything on HGTV, and - most recently - Hoarders on A&E
11. Any new additions to the family in 2009?
  • Not officially "family" in the blood-sense, but baby Owen was born and I fell in love with Violet!



12. Any new tattoos in 2009?
  • No, but I am thinking there may be one in 2010 - something dedicated to my daddy.
13. Do anything you regret in 2009?
  • Hummm....Not exactly. Every single second I didn't spend with my dad, I guess.
14. Favorite new item in 2009?
  • I've been unemployed so I haven't done a ton of shopping...maybe my Gophers hoodie??? I wear that a lot. And my birthday pirate, of course. Oh! I just remembered the Mazda Trois! I love her too!

15. How old did you turn in 2009?
  • 29
16. Did you go to prom in 2009?
  • I didn't in 1999 when I was in high school and I didn't in 2009 when that would just be totally creepy.
17. Favorite memory of 2009?
  • Geez....it's been a crap-tastic year....not a ton of good memories....crafting with Deonna, karaoke with Sarah, cabin with the cousins, my birthday party, John, teaching Lydia to knit....
18. Did anyone close to you die in 2009?
  • My daddy.
19. Do you think 2010 will be better than 2009?
  • It HAS to be...but I'm not holding my breath. (Same thing I said last year....hummm...)
20. What did you do on new years eve?
  • Had a wild and crazy time in Ramsey.
21. What is the status of you and the last person you texted?
  • Jim and I are buddies. (Kinda funny that I didn't have to change that one at all last year nor this year.)
22. What is wrong with you right now?
  • I'm unemployed, I miss my dad, I'm poor, I have trouble sleeping, I can't learn to crochet to save my life...
23. Do you miss your first love?
  • Nah, I see him all the time. Other Amy makes him very happy. :) (Same answer - always!)
24. When did you last cry?
  • A few hours ago.
25. Who do you hate?
  • My old team leader (still)
26. What do you want in your life right now?
  • Peace. Security. Love.
27. Are you happy?
  • I've been happier, but I get by.
28. What do you smell like?
  • I think John told me I smell "Earthy" or "natural" or something like that.
29. Drinking?
  • Yes.
30. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
  • My Parachuting Bam Bot and covers - must have covers.







31
. What do you wear to bed?
  • Flannel, fleece, or sweat pants and a t-shirt.
32. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
  • Probably - I think too much.
33. Whose house did you go to last night?
  • The Follanos'
34. What about the night before that?
  • Mine
35. Do you like anyone right now?
  • I like-like somebody.
36. What is the last movie you watched?
  • The last movie I watched AND paid attention to was Lost in Translation. Awesome.
37. What are you excited about?
  • No idea.
38. Who was last to touch your ass?
  • He knows who he is.
39. When you sleep, do you dream about heroin addicts?
  • No....but I wouldn't mind dreaming about Ewan McGregor....and he was a heroin addict in Trainsppotting.
40. Whats on your mind right now?
  • "This is getting to be a very complex blog post....I hope Deonna's happy that I mentioned her as many times as I could without seeming obsessed..."
41. Who was the last person to make you cry?
  • Just me, I guess.
42. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "R."
  • Rodia
43. Do you care what others think about you?
  • Yes
44. Do you trust people easily?
  • Probably too easily.
45. Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
  • Hope so.
46. Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
  • Pretty sure I will.
47. Whats your first text in your inbox say?
  • The first as in the most recent says "Commando bandy. Lake bandy." (Jim's going skating tomorrow morning.)
48. Who was the last person you called?
  • Mom
49. Who was the last missed call?
  • Gramma
50. What's your ring tone?
  • "I'll Follow the Sun"
51. Do you plan on moving out in the next year?
  • I really really really hope not.
52. What were you doing at 8pm last Friday night?
  • Um....it was Christmas...John and I watched A Christmas Story and ate chicken nuggets and tater tots.
53. What happened at 10:00 am today?
  • I was sleeping on Deonna's couch with her dog.

Screw New Year's.

I thought it was just me, but several of the people I love most in the world (very much including my BFF Deonna) have the same New Year's Curse. Bad things happen. Nobody is happy. If something can go wrong, it will. The whole year starts off badly. Things end in tears and we vow to hibernate next year.

I feel like I shouldn't be so negative in my blog since everybody else's blog is so life-is-wonderful-and-everything-is-great....but life's not always wonderful around here and things aren't always great, no matter how much I try.

And that's life.

And life's NOT so bad. Not really. It could be 3 million times worse. If I've learned anything this past year, it's that.

But...I miss my old life.