Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A *Spark*

About 9 months ago, I  planned my daddy's funeral.

I never, ever thought that was anything I would or could do.

It went well.

My Grampa was so generous.  I kept saying, "No guest book!", "No programs!", "No [anything that cost even MORE money]!"

He insisted on having - and covered the costs of - lots of things.

He was especially adamant about the guest book.  It came with a pen - a really NICE pen.  We HAD to have that pen.

It was a decent pen.

It was so hard....yet the funeral director made it as easy as that sort of thing can possibly be.  It was almost an enjoyable experience...if it wasn't for that whole "death " thing lingering over it all...

When we were done with all the planning, I hugged everybody.  I started hugging when my daddy died - I realized that sometimes there just aren't words and hugging makes everything all better for at least a wee bit...

The funeral director - Steven Houfek - stopped me as we were leaving.

He told me that he saw a *spark* within me.

Something undefinable, something good, something positive, fun, happy, optimistic....something lit from within....

He told me that he hoped that wouldn't go away....that I'd be able to keep that *spark* lit despite everything.  That I'd still have that within me, even when it became hard to see....

Coming from a guy who deals with grieving people every single day - and has what must be the most depressing job on Earth....it meant something.

He looked me in the eye, hands on my shoulders, looked past my facade of braveness, my fear, my anger....whatever.

"You have a spark inside you.  I hope that it doesn't go away as you deal with all this because it is alive and well and beautiful - and it'll keep you strong."

I thanked him.

I thought about it.

I continue to think about it.

Somebody who deals with people in that position for a living must have some insight...

I don't know....

I guess it doesn't matter....

But part of me hopes I DO have a *spark.*  Something special....something unique....something that, ultimately, makes it all ok....something that makes me ME...something that matters just for that reason alone...

I don't know what I really mean to say or what my point is....

I guess I just want something within me - intrinsically part of me - that my dad would be proud of - in his way (which really just means that he wouldn't be disgusted by my display of emotions.)

I hope I still have my *spark.*

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You have a spark - and it is bright and beautiful, just like you! Thank you for sharing it!

xoxo
Leslie