Sunday, February 14, 2010

...and way back when...

Waiting for flowers from Daddy!

Happy Valentine's Day! {now}


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Thank you!

I write this as I'm crying,

sitting on my basement floor,

at 7:07 AM,

in the middle of a dreary Minnesota winter...

Thank you.

Thank you to everybody who has been nice to me.

Everybody who has taken a few minutes to email, leave a comment, send a text message, call, whatever....

Everybody who has understood -

And everybody who can't understand and knows that...

And everybody who tries...

I guess I get a wee bit over-emotional after a few days without sleep....but I still mean it.

I miss my dad so much and it hurts more than anything could ever hurt and my nose is running and my eyes are swelling and tears are ruining my laptop....

So, thank you.

Sigh....I miss my daddy...

I am missing my dad so much lately...there's no specific reason why I'd be thinking of him in the middle of February....but I can't think of much else.

I wonder where he is...

Is he thinking about me?

Does he miss me?

Can he feel how much I miss him?

Did he know I was there - till the very end?

I have no idea.

I don't even know why it matters...I would've been there either way.  Just like all the Father's Day presents that still had the tags on them 2 or 4 or 10 years later.

My dad and I could be in a car together for 3 hours and say less than a dozen words to each other the whole time, but still have an awesome time. 

I tend to believe THAT's how you know you're close to somebody....

Yet, I can't hear him say he loved me.

I hate that.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

So yeah.

Read my blog or don't...I've realized that's not the point.

It's for ME.

If you like it, if it means something to you, if it entertains you for any amount of time, or whatever, and thus, you read it, AWESOME!

If's not going anywhere.

But it'll be there when I need it.


- Amy

This is why writing matters.

4 years ago I read this and 4 years ago it meant something and 4 years later, it still does:

I am alone.
Alone here and alone in the world.
Alone in my heart and alone in my mind.
Alone everywhere,
all the time,
for as long as I can remember.
Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People.
Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness.
I am alone in my horror.
Alone in my horror.

I don't want to be alone.
I have never wanted to be alone.
I fucking hate it.
I hate that I have no one to talk to,
I hate that I have no one to call,
I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right.
I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with,
I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams,
I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again.
I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness.
I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming.
I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness lives in a pipe or a bottle.
I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon.
I hate that I will die alone.

I will die alone in my horror.
More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone.
More than anything, all I have ever wanted it to feel as if I wasn't alone.
I have tried many times, tried to kill my loneliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right.
We would be together and be close to each other, but no matter how close we were, I still felt alone.
 They felt that loneliness and it made them want to get closer.
When they tried, I either ran or did something to destroy what we felt for each other.
I can run fast when i want to run fast, and I've always been good at destroying things.

 Originally blogged here.

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts...questioning, mostly.

That's what I do best at 4 AM during a random night in February...

I remember...

     1 year ago (2009) - When will my carpet finally be installed?  A boy named Andy...My dad is ok...he promised not to die...he NEVER promises ANYTHING...he WILL be ok.  I'm an *artist*.

     2 years ago (2008) - A boy named Jordan....and am I seriously going to New Zealand?  Seriously?  What if I HATE Scottish Stu?

     3 years ago (2007) - California....Tommy....Willy Mitchell???   Whatever - I have my DREAM job!!!  THIS is what I've always wanted to be!  AND I'm about to buy a HOUSE and a DOG...Woo!

     4 years ago (2006) - A boy named Derek, Cozumel, Tom...?, law school.....

And this, people, is why I blog.

A snapshot of my mind. 

A glimpse of all the seemingly unimportant things going on that come together to make ME.

Proof I exist.

Proof I existed.

Proof I will exist.

Inspiration to believe in that.

It doesn't really matter if you read it or not.  Thanks to SiteMeter, I know you do - about 7 people per day, on average, in fact...but whatever. 

It's my blog and the Internet has unlimited space for me to rant, rave, whine, complain, love, cry - whatever - as much as I want.  Nobody has to read it.  Whether or not you do, it's here.

I exist.

I matter.

I left a mark.

So there!