Sunday, January 2, 2011

I have a very depressing blog...

I've been thinking about my blog...and my thoughts...basically, life, the universe, and everything.

I think of my blog as a snapshot of my mind at any given moment. I think there is inherent value in that...but I often wonder why I make it public. I don't really know who, if anybody, reads it. I don't know what I offer that is of value or what, if anything, it'll ever mean to anybody.

That being said, I find myself filtering what i choose to post more and more.

Maybe that's good?

I know a lot of my posts are depressing. I know I often write - and talk - about depressing things. My dad especially...

I don't think i should apologize for that - and I'm not...but I do feel weird about it.

I am not crazy-depressed all the time. I am not obsessed with death. I am moving on in as normal of a way as can be expected - and while I don't know what "normal" is, I do believe that grief has a timeline all its own.

That being said, I write when I NEED to write.

When my thoughts explode, I write.

When I can't kick and scream and cry, I write.

When nobody understands, I write.

But why...? Why share it with anybody who happens to notice it? I don't know...

I really don't.

I talk about my dad when i think of him - which is often - and, believe it or not, it makes me happy to do so. Memories are what keeps me with him...

I don't know why I feel like I should apologize for that...

I like my life. I'm grateful for it and the people and things that fill it...feeling sad doesn't cancel that out. It really doesn't...

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